


The Madness of War

by Shadsie



Category: The Legend of Zelda & Related Fandoms, The Legend of Zelda: Hyrule Warriors
Genre: Adventure, Attempts to explain gameplay and story segregation, Battle, Childish Arguments, Comedy, Costumes, Drama, Gameplay and Story Segregation, Gen, Humor, Hyrule Warriors Adventure Maps, Time Rifts, Tragedy, Unlikely Enemies, Unlikely alliances, War, Weird Weapons
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-27
Updated: 2015-06-26
Packaged: 2018-03-19 20:02:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 14,729
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3622449
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shadsie/pseuds/Shadsie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><b>Hyrule Warriors. </b> In a Hyrule besieged by war so great it crosses time and space, unexpected situations arise. War is madness, but some battles are more insane than others. A series of stories that are attempts to explain some of the stranger weapons and costumes as well as the situations on the various Adventure Maps that don't make a lick of sense. Some comedy, some tragedy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Pact with the Great Fairy

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer and Notes: The Legend of Zelda and Hyrule Warriors belongs to Nintendo and to Koei-Tecmo, Team Ninja, W-Force and related entities. No profit or encroachment on territory is meant from this fic series. 
> 
> Inspired by the general strangeness of weapons, costumes and battle-scenarios in Hyrule Warriors. This is an attempt to play with the features in story-form and a way of sharing the little stories that pop up inside my head when I’m playing particularly weird squares on the various Adventure Mode maps and Challenges. I find it rather amusing that some of the matchups and vs. have no resemblance to the game’s canon (Legend Mode) or past Zelda games whatsoever. Some of the stories I have in mind will be comedy, some of them drama – even tragic – and some a mix of themes.

**The Madness of War**

**First War Story:  The Pact with the Great Fairy**

 

 

The situation was desperate.  Zelda’s forces were being beaten, routed and slaughtered.  Even having the generational Hero on their side hadn’t been turning the tide of battle of late.  Said Hero, as well as Lady Zelda, were both running the grave risk of being captured by the enemy – or worse. 

 

Link had heard a story about one of his predecessors – one of his previous incarnations if Lana’s words about his soul were accurate – dying before his time, causing Hyrule to be plunged into darkness for a century.  Or maybe it was flood-waters.  Or something else.  The legend, like all of the legends had grown ambiguous over time.  In any case, Link knew that they could not lose. 

 

That, and he’d seen too much blood on the sand already from the men and women under his command, some he was close to and some he knew only by rank and file.  He’d comforted the wounded in the infirmary-tents in Hyrule’s encampments.  He’d written far too many letters to be taken to the families of the dead.  Zelda had created some magical measures to minimize causalities, such as giving her captains the ability to teleport back to the allied base or even to whatever camp or town they’d last been in and to take other wounded soldiers with them.  Many of the most brave and loyal of the Hylian Army, however, fought to the very last of their strength, until blood and breath were taken from them. 

 

So, Link found himself in one of the Fairy Fountain shrines, looking at the shimmering waters.

 

“The Great Fairy here will surely help us!” Proxi exclaimed. 

 

 _“Heh, I hope so,”_ Link replied in fairy-whispers.  _“Hyrule is her home, too.”_

 

In the absence of a magic-circle, Link dipped the tip of his magically-endowed white sword into the fountain water gently. 

 

“Oh, Great Fairy!” Proxi called, “We need your help! Please answer!”

 

In a burst of magical light and shrine-shaking cackles, the Great Fairy appeared.  “Hmmm,” she said, floating casually before them, resting as if she were on her belly, her arms crossed.  She pointed her long finger and gave Link that leer he hated seeing whenever he met one of these enormous beings. 

 

Link liked fairies very much.  The tiny woodland and field-fairies, like his self-appointed guardian, Proxi, understood him better than most of his fellow Hylians did. However, the Great Fairies were an entirely different kind of creature.  They were, in a word, intimidating.  Link, as the holder of the Triforce of Courage, was not truly intimidated by much, but a Great Fairy could send a shudder up his spine.  Maybe it was all of the concentrated magical power he sensed – knowing that one was in the presence of a genuinely higher being could be quite fearful for even the bravest of men. 

 

Or maybe it was just because she was a colossal woman wearing only leaves and the barest scraps to cover areas that gallant gentlemen were not supposed to stare too long at. Her size made these difficult not to notice. Then, of course, those looks they always gave Link reminded him of the twitterpated young women he’d encounter on a regular basis, making matters even more awkward.  He knew he was a looker.  It could be both a blessing and a curse. It was definitely the latter when being wanted was unwanted. After all, this mess that Hyrule was in was caused by the runaway lovesickness of a powerful woman.     

 

“Darling little Hero,” the Great Fairy began, her fingernail getting way to close to Link for his comfort, “What manner of aid do you ask of me?  I suppose I could grant a favor in return for your clearing out all of those nasty beasts from my fountain.  You do not need a healing…” 

 

Link stood tall.  Proxi bounced around by his shoulder. “Your Highness,” she began, “The Hylian forces are outnumbered and we have lost many soldiers.  Link wishes for any help you may give us to change our Hyrule’s dark fate.”

 

The Great Fairy spun around, levitating around the confines of her shrine.  “You already have a variety of weapons, don’t you?” she asked. 

 

Link winced as she tapped him lightly on the top of the head.  “I know just the thing.  Would it be unseemly if I were to join the battle?”

 

Both Link and Proxi gasped.  “My Lady!” Proxi chimed, “The fighting is very dangerous!  I’ve almost been captured by fairy hunters at least five times, but they couldn’t get past my Link!”

 

“I assure you, little Proxi, that no fairy hunter will be able to withstand me.”

 

Link was smiling.  His eye shined and his face had something that Proxi had been hoping to see again – Hope.  He bowed in gratitude, then stood up and extended his hand like he did to seal an alliance with the shaking of hands.

 

“Nuh-uh, uh, little Hero,” The Great Fairy replied.  “I have a certain payment to ask of you.” 

 

Link stepped back and looked up. 

 

“What kind of payment?” Proxi asked on his behalf. 

 

“We’ll call it a bit of evening-out in regards to our people and the actions of Heroes-past.”

 

With that, she laughed in a way that made Link feel extra uncomfortable.  Before he could rescind his request and flee, he found a large glass object shoved over him.  Instantly, he was flipped over and found himself resting in the bottom of… a jar? A cork came crashing down over the opening with an echoing thump. 

 

“Oh-ho!” The Great Fairy laughed, “Don’t worry. There is enough air in there for you!  The cork is porous.” 

 

Thoroughly confused and terrified, Link tried to climb out.  He kicked the inside of the bottle and hacked at it with his sword.

 

“Stop, Link!” Proxi cried.  She was in here with him, ever faithful, “You’ll hurt yourself!”

 

Link calmed and looked at the world from his new perspective.  The bottle he was in was floating in the air, levitating above the Great Fairy’s hand.  He could see things outside, but everything had a warped and watery quality due to the thick glass. 

 

“I will be taking you into battle this way, little Hero,” the Great Fairy explained as she began to float outside of the fountain-area.  “Just point me to the base where your princess awaits and we’ll go from there.  Ah-ha-ha!” 

 

At this moment, Link wished that the Great Fairy had asked him some other payment or favor… almost anything, even one that involved lovesickness and her lusty gazes. 

 

A part of him supposed it was only fair.  Link was no stranger to capturing healing-fairies for himself and his troops when he came across them, before he’d met Proxi and afterward.  They’d always seemed happy to help.  Then there was that vague reference his ancestors. 

 

As the jar spun gently and the Great Fairy floated with it, Link regretted eating his lunch-ration just before visiting the shrine. 

 

“Link! Don’t!” Proxi pleaded.  “There’s no way to clean that up in here and it will make everything really smelly!”

 

Link gulped and valiantly held his beans and bread down. 

 

No, he was not liking this at all.  What made it worse was that… were some of the troops…laughing at him?  He definitely picked out Midna’s cackle.  She was worse than the Great Fairy herself sometimes.    

 

Everyone, however, gave gasps of awe at the Great Fairy.  From what he could see beyond the glass, Zelda gave her a courteous bow and thanked her for joining the fight.  Link smiled, glad that the morale of his army had improved. 

 

His own morale, however, would never be the same. 

 

When the Hylian army launched their latest planned strike on an enemy stronghold, Link got a chance to see his newest living weapon in action.  The Great Fairy was quite wonderful as a warrior, actually – making use of her massive body to dive-bomb and slap masses of monsters at a strike.  Link winced as the bones of stalchildren clattered loudly against his jar.  It hurt his ears.  

 

He suddenly felt himself tipped over.  Was the Great Fairy freeing him? 

 

No such luck.  She produced a massive sword and used it to swing a massive ball of magical energy his way.  Thinking quickly, he batted it back.  He noticed it striking enemies that were between them.  Oh! So this was the game!  She really was fighting with him! 

 

And then, dizzy, back into the bottle he went.

 

The next time she unceremoniously dumped him out, Link was expecting another game of “tennis.”  Instead, he got magical, deadly strikes of a sword his way and he had to jump and dodge. 

 

What was the Great Fairy doing? 

 

She did not answer him.  Instead, she laughed.  Proxi couldn’t make out the “game,” either.  All she could do was to assure him that it was unlikely that she would actually try to kill him.

 

“Unlikely” was not the same as “impossible.” 

 

The rain of giant bombs was even worse. 

 

After a long series of humiliating moves – all of which Link knew that his troops saw – the battle was won.  Before retreating to her fountain home, she laughed and gave Link a playful stroke.

 

Link looked away and down. 

 

No amount of healing fountain-water could ever wash away the shame. 

 


	2. The Epona Express

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Link used to have a job with the Hyrule Postal Service. Summer job. An old work-uniform becomes unexpectedly useful.

**The Madness of War**

**Second War Story: The Epona Express**

 

 

When Impa found him, she was sure he was dead.  The battle had been won, but there would be no celebration in the camp tonight like that which usually followed a significant victory.  Darunia would not dance for joy, nor would Sheik play any lively or heroic songs on the harp.  No…dirges would be played – and the Nocturne of Shadow to send a poor soul along its way. 

 

Epona nuzzled Link’s hair as he lay still upon the ground, on his back.  She looked as though she was pleading for her master to wake up, her lip moving over a gash in his forehead, painting blood into his hair.  There were all kinds of rents in his outer tunic.  The gleam of chainmail could be seen beneath save for the burned and bloody diagonal swath over the young man’s chest where the summoned Gohma’s eye-beam had hit him with full-force.  His pants were red in places where swords and axes had caught him.  The general’s-scarf was rumpled up beneath him, soiled in blood-mud dirt.  To add insult to injury, he was in his stocking-feet.  Someone had taken his boots. 

 

Impa knelt beside him.  She sighed.  At least his eyes were closed and he looked dignified, considering the circumstances.  “Easy, Epona,” she said. 

 

That’s when the corpse did something that corpses (at least ones not imbued with magic enough to become ReDeads, Gibdos or Stalfos) generally did not do:  Link weakly raised a hand and tried to swat Impa away with a confused and angry grunt. 

 

“Link?” Impa inquired, her hope renewed.    

 

“Link, it’s not a monster!” Proxi chimed, “It’s Impa! She’s here to help you!” 

 

Link was wrinkling his nose and barking pathetic half-choked cries as though he’d been prematurely awakened from a nap and was none too happy about it.  He yelled and had a spasm when Impa touched him.  She withdrew a bottle of medicine from her storage and tried to pour a dribble of it into his mouth. 

 

“Calm down, soldier,” Impa ordered.  “The battle is over and victory is ours.  You are going to live and you are going to do as I say in order to survive.” 

 

“Oh, thank you, Impa!” Proxi said with a surprisingly loud fairy-sigh of relief.  “We didn’t know anyone was coming for a while!  See, Link? We can always count on our friends.”

 

Link cracked his eyes open a sliver and managed a weak smile.  He willingly took more of the potion, forcing his sore throat and weak muscles to drink it down.  Impa called over a pair of Hylian Captains and ordered them to fetch a stretcher. 

 

 

Link awakened sometime later in a private tent.  He was bruised, sewn-up and bandaged. Most of his torso was merely bruised, although very darkly.  His wounds would have been far worse had he not been wearing excellently-crafted mail.  It has served him well, even though he could feel the patterns of it burned into his skin where he’d taken the Gohma’s beam. That was the worst injury – he’d been close to the beast when he’d failed to dodge its attack and it had actually melted a gash though his light armor – and into tender flesh.  The young Hero could feel a subtly-throbbing pain in his rib-bones.  No wonder the opposing commander had laughed in his defeat.  That was a twisted wizard for you… teleports off to lick his wounds while he sends a giant mindless beast to finish his dirty work for him.     

 

Link also had a thin blanket over him in the cot he was resting in and, as he learned when he lifted the blanket, not a stitch of clothing on him. 

 

Whatever potions and healing magic that had been given to him had worked well.  He winced and grunted in pain, but at least he was strong enough to move around now. Link got up from his cot and wrapped the blanket around his waist.  He couldn’t leave the tent like this.  He looked around, hoping to find his Hero’s Clothes. 

 

“Hmm. Still breathing.”

 

Link spun around in shock.  Impa was standing there.  Sheikah were so quiet – so stealthy.  He had not heard her approach. 

 

He’d turned around so quickly that he forgot his grip on the blanket.  It fell right off him.

 

Impa looked unfazed.  She just looked right into his eyes with her perpetually-serious blood-red glare.  “Back to bed,” she said simply. 

 

Impa had struck Link as having an old soul, at least as old as his.  Furthermore, she struck him as being something of an ancient woman in her own right.  She looked young and agile, yet something about her was timeless and few things seemed to ever surprise her.  The naked body of the highest ranking officer in her army standing right in front of her did not seem to bother her at all. 

 

Link, however, blushed furiously and scrambled to cover himself.  The best then he could find on short-notice were his hands.  He sputtered and squeaked. 

 

Impa just kept looking at him like there was nothing wrong, giving him the same regard as she did when he was in proper attire. 

 

“Link would like to know where his clothes are,” Proxi informed the royal guardian.

 

Impa addressed Link.  “Your clothing and mail are currently being repaired.  The mending of your body took priority over the mending of your gear.  We are not moving out until you are healthy and you have no need to address the soldiers right now.  So – Bed. Now.” 

 

Link picked up his blanket and obeyed.  It wasn’t just that, as a recent knight-trainee, he was used to thinking of Impa as a superior officer.  If he were king – signed, sealed and crowned, he would still obey her.  She was the scariest woman in the world. She would either heal him or kill him and he was grateful that she had the former on her mind instead of the latter. 

 

“There is some water in a jar by your bed and a glass for it.  There is a chamber-pot by the chest, do not break it.  I will be bringing in rations shortly,” Impa assured.  “Do you need anything else?”

 

Link raised a finger in request.

 

“Besides your clothing,” Impa said. 

 

Link put his hand down.  He watched her leave and lay back in his cot.  It was pretty obvious, by this point, that his current state of undress wasn’t just a matter of stitches and burn-salve. 

 

“Oooh, she’s a mean one, isn’t she?” Proxi said, bouncing over his chest.  “But I can’t blame her.  It’s the only way to keep you inside so you’ll rest.” 

 

Link turned over, grunted and tried to get back to sleep.

 

 

When night fell over the camp, lanterns were lit inside the tents.  Link had one hanging from the supports of his own.  He’d had enough of bed-rest and was looking through one of his belt-pouches left beside his sword and shield. 

 

He pulled out a set of clothing with an expression of pure mirth lining his features. 

 

“Ooh, what’s that, Link?” Proxi asked. 

 

 _“I can’t believe I still have this stuff!”_ Link spoke to her in the way that he was able to speak to fairies. He had a significant impediment in regards to speaking to fellow Hylians and to most other races, but he was able to communicate clearly with fairies.  Proxi had been a goddessend to him, allowing him to speak clearly and concisely – through her- to others for the first time in years.  Not everyone spoke sign-language.  Link hoped that she’d stick around not only for the war, but for the peace, as well.  He truly valued and needed a Proxi. 

 

“Let’s see… white short-cut clothing… leather bracers… a red hat… and is that a flag?”

 

 _“Uh-huh!”_ Link answered her _.  “A few years ago, before I started my army-training, I worked for the Hyrule Postal Service.  That’s how come I can run so fast.  I was a courier, a delivery-boy.”_

 

“How cool!” Proxi exclaimed, as ever, easily impressed by her charge, as fairies tended to be.  “Did you like it?”

 

_“I did.  It was actually pretty dangerous work sometimes.  There’s a reason why the recruitment posters in_ _Castle_ _Town_ _read ‘Orphans Preferred.’  Well, I was that and needed the rupees, so I volunteered to do the mail runs to the more hazardous areas, past the passes that had monsters so the older guys wouldn’t have to.”_

 

“Oh, Link… Are you going to put the uniform on?  I bet you look really good in it.”

 

Link gave his little friend a devious smile.  He pulled on the shirt and shorts, laced up the sandals and put the bracers on. Lastly, he applied the hat.  He refrained from raising the flag in the tent’s confines.   

_“Hey! Don’t laugh!”_

 

Proxi was bouncing and giggling before his nose.  “Those shorts!” she cried.  “They don’t leave much to the imagination!” 

_“You’ve seen me!”_ Link protested.  _“I thought fairies didn’t care about that sort of thing… except…maybe… the Great Fairy…”_ Link shuddered. _“Okay, okay, so I had the job a few years ago and I’ve done a bit of growing since then!  Everything still fits…It’s better than being nude.”_

 

“So, Impa can’t keep you inside anymore.” 

 

_“Exactly.”_

 

“Do you really want to address the troops like this, Link?”

 

Link shook his head.  _“I’ve… got a better idea.”_

 

“An idea? Link… you really should go back to bed.”

 

_“I need to stretch my legs, Proxi.  I’m going stir-crazy.  So, what I’m going to do… I’m going to take my flag and… we passed_ _Kakariko_ _Village_ _recently, down past the valley…”_

 

“Yeah, I believe that was the place we passed. We picked up a lot of troops from there.” 

 

_“That’s my point.  I bet my men and my women would get a strong boost to their morale if they got letters from their family and friends!  If I can’t fight right now, I can at least do my old job!   I’m gonna head on down there and ask the folks there to write letters and then I’ll bring them back here and it will make everyone really happy.”_

 

“Link,” Proxi warned, “If Impa catches you…” 

 

Link grinned _.  “Don’t worry, Proxi. I won’t strain myself.  I am going to take Epona.  We’re not far.  I’ll live up to the motto: Hyrule Mail Express – Quick as a Wild Rabbit!”_

 

 

Impa made her rounds early in the morning.  She grunted when she saw Epona’s tether empty.  No one had seen Link around the camp.

 

“What is that idiot up to?” she grumbled.

 

She tapped her chin in thought.  “And is he naked?”    

 

 

The people of Kakariko Village were amused to see the general of the Hylian army in their streets, dressed up as a common postman.  When Proxi conveyed to them to quickly write letters to their beloved soldiers, the paper and the writing quills flew.  Link borrowed an old large Dodongo-stomach bomb bag to stuff the letters in.  He had his own magical portal pouch, but did not wish to mix the belongings of others with his own things.  Besides, having a large saddlebag full of letters made him look like a real Hylian-post worker, in this case, a real pony-express rider.  

 

When he rode back up the trail in the strong light of the afternoon, he hit a cliff-pass in the shadows.  From the crags and crannies, a horde of Bokoblins attacked.  They were led by a sweaty, fat Moblin. 

 

Link growled and Epona keyed up her hooves.  He rode right through them.  Link and his mare scattered the enemies, knocking them out or into the next world.  The young general had remembered to take a basic knight’s sword and cut down the Moblin as it charged him. 

 

No one was going to keep him from making his appointed rounds!  Not sleet, nor rain, nor dark of night – nor a horde of fowl-smelling demons.

 

 _“My name is Link!”_ he said in his mind as he made a fierce battle-cry _. “I will be your messenger for today!  A messenger of death!  I am delivering pain! Come get some!”_

 

“Great job, Link!” Proxi encouraged as he made it past the lines.    

 

Link slumped slightly in the saddle as he let Epona slow to a light trot.  He was definitely still recovering.  His bandaged thighs throbbed. His chest hurt.  However, when he rode back into camp, he felt his strength renewed, for everyone was there to greet him. 

 

Fi looked at him quizzically – which was much more emotion than she typically showed.  Sheik hid most of her face behind her mask and probably felt it a good thing that she was not currently in her native form as Princess Zelda.  Midna doubled over laughing and fell right off her conjure-wolf.  Darunia shook the ground with his “Ho, ho, ho! “ –ing.  Ruto blushed so much she could have been mistaken for a red snapper. 

 

“Well, Mr. Link, you look as snug as a bug!” Agitha added. 

 

Link sat tall in the saddle with his flag vibrating in the wind and tried to look dignified.  He reached for his letter-bag.  Proxi floated around him and made announcements. 

 

“Link has been to Kakariko!” she called.  “Any of the soldiers from Kakariko, please report to him to receive gifts and letters!” 

 

A large group of men and women gathered around Epona, each receiving mail from Link in turn.  

 

“Well, Link, I knew you were bored,” Impa said, “but this is something I’d never guess you’d get a wild hair up your tail to do.” 

 

Link simply smiled and handed her a letter addressed to her from the entire village.  It was her hometown and that had not been lost on her young general.  The stoic Sheikah-chief had tried to stop it, but a tiny tear welled up in her left eye and trickled down the side of her face. 

 

“You still need to rest,” she said.  “Bed. Now.” 

 

Link, this time, after his rough ride, happily complied with orders. 

 

Ever after, when not in battle, Link often donned the old Postman’s Uniform to relay letters between the bases held by the Hylian army – and to gather letters from Hyrule’s surviving villages for his troops whenever he could.    

   

 

 


	3. Entomology

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Of all of the close friendships that sprang up among Hyrule's warriors, perhaps the most surprising was that between Agitha and Fi. 
> 
> Battle portion based upon a square of the regular Adventure Map where one is limited to playing as Ganondorf and a Gold/A rank is supposed to get Ganondorf his third-stage weapon. Agitha is the stage-boss. This story gives her a reason for being so.

**The Madness of War**

**Third War Story: Entomology**

 

 

 

Of all of the close friendships that had sprung up among the members of Zelda’s forces, the one that surprised everyone the most was that between Agitha and Fi. 

 

Truth be told, the fact that Agitha was even a member of their slapdash army was baffling to everyone – including her, it would seem.  The “Princess of the Insect Kingdom” (Agitha chose not to be called a queen because, according to her, that would upset the bees, the ants and the termites, which already had their own queens) did not seem to be fully aware that she had been caught in a war.  It all seemed like a game to her, and, better yet, a chance for her to meet new arthropods among the fields and forests of a Hyrule not belonging to her own time-period.

 

She did not like the “baddies” interrupting her hunts at all. 

 

The young entomologist had been trapped here due to the opening and the closing of the portals and became the “camp-kid.”  At first, everyone wanted to protect her and to keep her out of the fighting.  She wandered into it of her own accord and showed some surprising fighting skills.  She had many magical summons that could temporarily turn her beloved pet beetles and butterflies into formidable colossi or blade-winged golden hordes of doom. Whatever power Agitha had over them the others could not fathom, but everyone saw starkly how the Insect Princess’ subjects fought for their patron. 

 

Link actually started planning strategies around any fight in which he expected Agitha to slip onto the battlefield.  Midna had been appointed as her “keeper,” much to the latter’s annoyance, but she handled the job well enough.  The child was rarely hurt (and even then, she took only minor injuries) and tended to decimate the “baddies” with death on butterfly wings whenever she wanted to take a keep to turn into a bug-garden. 

 

On the road and in camp, however, it was not Midna – the other being from her own era that Agitha most liked to talk to.  Fi was her chosen companion.  Agitha liked to call her “Miss Blue” and sometimes “Miss Sword.”  The reason for a rather spacey young girl and a cold-steel weapon-spirit becoming friends, of sorts, was simple:  Fi was a collector of knowledge and acted as a living encyclopedia on any subject relevant to the aid of her master.  This included detailed information on wildlife – mainly from her own ancient era – but she was quick to analyze any creature she came across in any area she was in. 

 

Fi knew any detail anyone could wish to know about insects and other small invertebrates.  Link (through Proxi) inquired why this was so once when he’d been listening in upon a conversation between Agitha and Fi.      

 

“Master,” Fi had replied, “Knowing the small animal species in a given area can be crucial to a battle.  Many species of insects are poisonous.  This can be a precaution or something to be used to your advantage.  The structures insects build can also be used to precaution or advantage.”

 

“It is true!” Agitha pointed out, far too cheerfully.  “My little bee and wasp friends do not like their homes disturbed, so they can sting the baddies a lot! My little ant-friends can crawl into boots and between armor and sting the feet! Sometimes, the ground gets weak or trees get rotten from beetle-burrows and that means a tree can fall right on your head if you don’t know that they’re there!”

 

Link nodded and tried to hide how conflicted he was.  Inwardly, this was valuable information, but seeing a cute, playful and innocent-little girl convey this much knowledge of potential war-strategies disturbed him. 

 

Fi proceeded to tell Agitha all about the insects of her era – everything from the mating-habits of the Skyloft Mantis to mimicking the humming of the Sand Cicadas of the ancient Lanayru Province, to the feeding-habits of Eldin Rollers.  Agitha listened to her lore in the evenings and on the trail, rapt. 

 

Although Fi’s emotionless “steel-personality” was infamous, her face ever-plain, Link thought he caught the barest hints of a smile at the corner of the sword-spirit’s lips when she shared her entomological knowledge with the little “Bug Princess.”

 

Fi stowed-away inside her sword-form to allow Agitha to dowse for various insects when Zelda’s forces took camp in peaceful fields.  Agitha said she felt strange holding a sword, since she “wasn’t a violent person,” but the two went hunting often. 

 

Everyone, even those oblivious due to innocent appearances, should have known that one of their enemies hurting Fi would bring out in Agitha and danger and fury of a scorpion. 

 

 

 

“The probability of my survival is falling rapidity,” the sword-spirit said as she lay on a cot in the weapons-depot.  She had retreated from battle, the gem on her chest cracked with violent lines running haphazardly through it.  Fi did not bleed and her face remained blank, her lips in a tight line, as usual, but she did look, somehow, greatly pained.   The cape that served as her arms lay limp over the sides of the army-cot and she lacked a measure of her usual overall sheen.   

 

Link noticed the Master Sword on his back trembling.  He made the connection, but kept silent about it, keeping his attention upon trying to repair Fi.  Lana traced her fingers along Fi’s broken jewel, sending light-magic and healing energy into it. 

 

Agitha’s lower lip quivered.  “Do something!” she demanded.  “The insects will cry forever!” 

 

“We are doing all that we can,” Lana said with a soft look. “I am taking care of the spirit-side of her while Link is doing what he can to take care of her as a weapon.” 

 

Link put a bottle of potion to Fi’s lips.  It was amazing stuff – able to heal everything from that which was mammal, to fish, to mineral – even shadow and steel – provided it was a living being. 

 

“The probability of my survival has drastically increased,” Fi informed.  Link and Lana sighed in relief at once.  Lana had managed to fuse the cracks in the jewel.  “Your combined efforts have turned the tide of this unfortunate event.  Master, I regret that I have failed you.” 

 

“You didn’t fail!” Proxi said for Link.  “You fought as hard as any of us! You just ran into…that brute!” 

 

Agitha knew what brute that the fairy was talking about.  He was the big red-haired guy with the giant black swords.  He was mean!  He was keeping the land in darkness and the effort of all of Zelda’s forces was against him.  If he wasn’t beaten, the world was going to be in darkness for a long time, maybe forever and there would be no more sunlight for little insects.  The fires would sweep over their fields and the baddies would trample them. 

 

More importantly, he was hurting her friends.  He’d hurt Fi. 

 

Agitha was going to get him back! 

 

“Everything’s going to be okay, Miss Blue,” Agitha said. 

 

“I can feel the strength of the Goddess returning to me,” Fi replied, “but I must rest.”  She gazed at Link.  “Thank you, Master.”  With that, she closed her eyes and retreated into her sword-form.  Link smiled and rested her in a small stone pedestal that was crafted especially for her.  It was her preferred way of doing her equivalent of sleeping. 

 

“She’s going to be alright, Agitha,” Lana said.  “You should see the camp cook for something to eat.  Midna and Lady Zelda are returning and I must see to them and to the soldiers.” 

 

Link nodded and left with her.  Agitha remained seated in her chair, gazing at the Goddess Sword. 

 

“That meanie’s not going to get away with hurting you!” she promised.  “The bugs and I are going to do something!” 

 

The sword seemed to glow slightly for just a second or two.  “Yes,” Agitha responded, “Because you and I are friends and friends stand up for each other.” 

 

The sword glowed again. 

 

“Oh, I’ll be safe! I’ve got Mrs. Butterfly and Mr. Beetle to protect me!”

 

 

 

 

Agitha slipped away from camp.  Everyone thought she was just out hunting bugs, as usual.  Actually, she was, because it was an activity she could not pry herself from.  Chasing fireflies, however, gave way to her wandering to places that Sir Link and Princess Zelda would not want her to go. 

 

Agitha found Moblins. 

 

The young girl found and encampment of Bokoblins and their elder Moblin tribal leaders.  Instead of running away when they all began smacking their lips and drooling from their jowls she stood and started talking to them. 

 

“Phew! You’re smelly!” she said.  “Mr. and Mrs. Stinkbug would like you!  Are all of you just camped her alone?” 

 

There were some grunts about young Hylian flesh and “Girl! Good!”  After that, a fight broke out regarding who would get what share and how much and there were fearful whines about the “Master.” 

 

“Does your master not feed you enough?” Agitha asked.  “You poor things!  I always make sure my cute little bugs get all they need to eat!” 

 

Three of the Moblins grunted amongst themselves. 

 

“I know where there’s a big garden with lots of food!” Agitha exclaimed.  “Would you like to help me?  You can’t eat me, though, okay?”

 

One of the Moblins waddled up to her.  “If we serve you, we be free after?” it asked.

 

“I don’t want to own you!” Agitha replied.  “I am the Princess of the Golden Bugs! I love my subjects.  I’ll feed you piggies and you can do what you want.” 

 

A Stalmaster who was a part of the camp strode up to her, his armor and axes gleaming.  He huffed and breathed his supernatural, lung-less breath. 

 

“I know what you want, Mr. Boney Pants!” Agitha said.  “You want to go back to sleep, don’t you? After you help me, I won’t keep you awake!” 

 

“If we help you, our curse will be broken…” the Stalmaster wheezed.  “We dead will sleep and the living will be free.”

 

“Uh, huh! You just have to promise not to eat me or make anything out of my bones,” Agitha said.  “I just want to teach the mean man a lesson for hurting my friend!” 

 

“We help you,” the lead Moblin said, holding forth his fleshy palm for a handshake.  “We help you to be free from King of Evil.  It is a secret to everybody.”

 

 

Indeed the rouge army of monsters did help Agitha.  They took up a base in the garden and twisted castle that had been owned by “Miss Dark Sorceress” – Cia, Lana’s “sister,” of sorts.  Of course, Agitha occasionally had called her “Miss Melon-Lady,” but that made everyone blush and act funny. 

 

Agitha liked these gardens.  There were so many places for bugs to hide and make homes. The big flowers smelled nice and there were pretty statues everywhere of Mr. Link’s other lives.  Agitha recognized the “puppy” in marble-form. 

 

She divided up her generals and commanders, just like she’d seen Sir Link do with Lady Zelda and sometimes with Fi.  She needed to be in two places at once, so she concentrated her powers to conjure a twin out of her shadow.  She sent Dark Agitha to one end of the battlefield while she took another.  Sure enough, her adversary and his minions did arrive.  

 

Mr. Tongue and Mr. Fish-Head were weird.  The soldiers were scary.  The Evil-King could woo and brainwash nearly anyone and had in battles-past, been able to take many of the Hylian forces for himself, including, for some battles, groups of proud Goron brothers. 

 

When Ganondorf had managed to break through to Agitha’s base, she hit him with a beetle the size of a carriage.  She bounced happily as she summoned up Mr. Beetle and helped him grow big.  She ascended into the air on her butterfly-mount many times to come crashing down on his big mean red-haired head. 

 

When she didn’t use her subjects for help, she just hit him in the gut with her parasol.  Mr. Evil was not happy and tried to separate her head from her shoulders with one of his giant knives.  Agitha, however, was as quick as a cockroach and as jumpy as a flea. 

 

Ganondorf was big, and was a big target. 

 

He’d also made the mistake of hurting Fi.  If Agitha could help it, he would not make that mistake again. 

 

Cut by golden light and having snorted several lung-fulls of butterfly-dust up his nose – or perhaps it was because Agitha kept talking about her little bug-friends (as well as her sword-friend) throughout the battle – Ganondorf pulled an exploding deku-nut from his armor and retreated from the battlefield. 

 

Agitha found an old treasure chest in her chosen keep, nestled in among some rose-bushes.  Mr. Evil did not get it.  He did not deserve it. 

 

He’d been beaten in battle by a little bug-princess.    


	4. Hyrule's Finest are Too Dumb to Live

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All hail the mighty soldiers of Hyrule! What they lack in wisdom they make up for in courage - and bruises.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dedicated to the brave men and women of the Hylian Armed Forces. You may wear blue and white and mail, but we know that the spirits of your shirts are red. Never join Starfleet. 
> 
> This is based on some jokes ArkNorth and I were telling as I was playing one of the Skyloft-stages on one of the Adventure Maps. I can’t remember if Sheik was there (I think she was an enemy), but artistic license is in effect for my needing an observer. 
> 
> I typed all of this in one sitting on my laptop outside on a very perfect day.

**The Madness of War**

**Fourth War Story:  Hyrule’s Finest are Too Dumb to Live**

 

 

Sheik watched everything from the shadows, beaten back and too injured to join in the fight any longer.  If there was one great advantage being a Sheikah afforded her over her natural form and base-persona as Princess Zelda, it was the opportunity to see her troops in action without any pretense of court.  Only those closest to her, those at the top, knew who she really was.  When the men and women of her army did not see her as their sovereign, they behaved as they would around another warrior of common rank – even though the Sheikah were an exclusive and secretive tribe and not that common.

 

Sheik bemoaned the fact that the majority of the soldiers in her army were a bunch of friggin’ idiots.  The campaign against Cia’s forces had lead to a place outside of time, the ancient City in the Sky.  Some of the sky-knights of this amazing place had joined in with the Hylian forces to defend their home and were somewhat unprepared for the battle, being that this ancient land had been a place of peace up until now.  The sky-knights were mostly a police-force, saving children, the unwary and the occasional suicidal person from the dangers of their city’s edges.  They weren’t the kind of men and women one could count on to go up against a giant monster.  The forces from the future, surface-Hyrule, however, should have known better.

 

The beast that the failing commander had called before he teleported away was merely a shadow of the sealed form of Hyrule’s most ancient agent of evil, a weakened creature that could be beaten back and sealed with holy light and the appropriate rites, but it was still huge and deadly. 

 

And the rank and file of Zelda’s army just charged at it.  They shouted, raised their swords, put up their shields and assaulted it without thought or observation. 

 

Princess Zelda – though donning Sheik – could _feel_ the Triforce of Wisdom being offended.  The essence of Nayru was ashamed. 

 

The swords were useless on the scales of the “Imprisoned.”  Even when they went for its big, soft toes the steel sprang back almost comically.  It would have been comical if the creature did not cause localized earthquakes and shocks of magical electricity whenever it stepped.  As it lumbered on, men who were too close were rocketed back. The women didn’t fare any better.  Much like Sheik, it was difficult to tell them apart under their helms and from a distance in their standard uniforms.  They lay in heaps around the earth of the sky-island, injured and moaning. 

 

Sheik thanked the Goddesses that at least her troops had remembered the blessed deku nuts she had given them for teleportation purposes and were using them.  Whenever they were badly hurt, the Hylian soldiers teleported away in a puff of dust.  They went back to one infirmary tent or another, or back to their own time-period.  Skyloft Knights went back to their academy or to the local Fairy Fountain.  The bodies on the ground, however, were those of troops too injured or stunned to move, and they were in harm’s way. 

 

Not a scratch lay on the Imprisoned as he toddled along with big, meaty, earth-shaking thumps and the soldiers didn’t seem to care!  Sheik did make a note of their bravery, but did they not see what was happening? 

 

No one had commanded wave after wave of her own men after the monster, at least not since she’d fired a certain Captain Brannigan for reckless endangerment involving a King Dodongo several battles back. 

 

Link came charging up the hill, screaming at everyone.  His battle-cries were unintelligible, but the entire army knew by now that this was his “Get out of the way!” cry.  His lower half was covered in blood painted in a centrifugal splash.  None of it was his own.  The golden tines of his prized “Triforce Spinner” were great for glancing gunk off themselves, unlike some of the previous models of the weapon he’d possessed.  Against armies of monsters and undead beings, it was brutally-effective. 

 

At least most of what he’d mowed down with the thing did not have time to suffer. 

 

The soldiers parted and Link blended the Imprisoned’s toes into a fine, smooth paste.  It fell and he gave it a “spanking” (being that he was located, unfortunately, close to the demon’s giant rear-end).  Sheik nodded approval from the shadows; however, the beast was not done.  It got up and sent even greater shock-waves of vibration and magic into the ground. 

 

Link wisely backed off.  The soldiers of Hyrule, however, did not. 

 

Once again, to Sheik’s utter shock and dismay for the element of wisdom, she was forced, from the shadows, to watch her men and women charge in with their swords. 

 

Link grunted and quite loudly.  Proxi only congratulated him.  The fairy made no comment on the troops under his command. 

 

Sheik let forth a frustrated sigh.  One of the Hylian Captains turned around and looked at her, having heard the noise.  There was something to be said for courage, but when the holder of the Triforce of Courage knows to get out of the way, then you’re just dealing with red-shirts.

 

“Fall back and let Link do his thing already!” she grumbled.  The man just raised his sword in a “Hoo-rah!”   

 

Link rinsed and repeated, charging in with his beautiful turbine. The men got out of the way for him, but would go right back for the beast they knew their swords had no effect against as soon as it got back up.  Once again, swaths of them would go flying to bruise themselves or shatter bones upon the unforgiving ground. 

 

Sheik could have sworn she heard a flying soldier shout “Wheee!” 

 

She shook her head and forgot about it. 

 

Link felled the Imprisoned and she knew that the light had not left Hyrule… however, whenever she said a line like that, she was always talking of her commanders and especially of Link.  If she hadn’t used magic on the grunts of her army, they would have all been slaughtered by now. 

 

Her speeches at camp tonight as Princess Zelda were going to be “fun” for them.  She passed by Link as they were cleaning up the battlefield and tending to the wounded people who couldn’t teleport out.  The look that she was getting from Link told her that he had some choice words for the army, too.  Proxi bobbed about in a way that told her that she didn’t really want to convey them. 

 

They came upon a man on the ground who was smiling open-mouthed with bloody gaps in his teeth and a bent sword fallen by his side.  He laughed. 

 

“Whee!”   

 


	5. Dominion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A sad tale that breaks the chain of comedic stories so far. Princess Zelda harnesses the dark power of the Dominion Rod and learns the meaning of collateral damage.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _While the stories of this series of random events have been comedy-bent up until now, this one breaks from the chain. This story is a tragedy/drama shot. The idea was planned from the start to be a part of this series, as it deals with the random battles and strange items series-theme._

**The Madness of War**

**Fifth War Story:  Dominion**

 

 

Lady Zelda felt a sense of suspicion when she’d first encountered the weapon.  She had been scouting out a set of ruins with Link during a time of calm before battle, assessing the strategic value of the place when they encountered an old chest.  Zelda beat Link to opening it (really, he found all the great treasures and she wanted to find something for herself for a change).  Immediately, she felt drawn to the strange, heavy-topped staff inside.  It was ancient and worn, but hummed and glistened with magic.  It bonded with the magic within her veins and spirit like love at first sight. 

 

As she held it, she waved it, sending her “will” into it to wake it up.  Link startled and screamed like a child.  A giant statue was conjured and followed Zelda, swinging an enormous hammer in time with her swings of the ancient rod.  Link rubbed the back of his neck and blushed in embarrassment as Zelda laughed. Proxi the fairy assured Link that it was perfectly appropriate for him to be startled so at the sudden appearance of the colossus, as it had given her a fright, too. 

 

“Heh, and I thought you were the avatar of Courage!” Zelda teased. 

 

“Oh, be careful, Princess!” Proxi piped.  “The treasure you found looks quite dangerous!” 

 

“Exactly,” Zelda said with a smile.  “I want to study it further.  It may make a fine weapon for our forces.” 

 

The princess did study the weapon further.  She found that it could summon a second statue, a pillar that resembled an owl.  Feathers or stones swirled round-about her, carried by mysterious energy depending upon which statue she had in play.  Midna informed her that the staff was known as the Dominion Rod and was a treasure that the incarnation of Link from the Twilight Era had discovered and made some limited use of.  The rod was even older than the time of the Twilight War and Midna could not tell her where it had actually come from or what had actually crafted it, though she had some suspicions that might have been Oocca in origin.  “Well, if those chicken-people had arms,” Midna snarked.

 

The thing could have dated all the way back to the Sky Era for all they knew, however, the magic that Zelda read in the rod was “dark.”  It was a weapon to which was attached a “darkness” element.  Zelda did not know if this was compatible with her as she was more “of the light,” than anything else in the feel of her magic, but in reading the Dominion Rod she concluded that the darkness it carried was not evil-darkness, but more like night-magic and the element of the arcane.  It felt more like the energies put off by Midna’s twilight-magic when she used it than anything else.     

 

Zelda thought that the magical statues could slip into being the evil kind of darkness very easily if the Rod fell into the wrong hands since they were very destructive.  The princess found upon practicing with the staff and upon taking it into battle for the first time that she could cut down hordes of enemies like wheat – or perhaps grinding the bones of Stalchildren was like cracking so much pepper in a mortar and pestle, especially when she summoned the Owl. 

 

Lady Zelda began perfecting the magic of the Old Dominion Rod, refining it into first a “High Dominion Rod” and finally into what she called the Royal Dominion Rod once it had bonded fully to her.  Only she could wield it effectively – ever since she’d found the old version of the Rod in the ruins.  This puzzled her, as Link was good with most weapons and it puzzled Midna because she’d witnessed one of his previous incarnations using it.  The magic had bonded to Zelda and to Zelda alone.   

 

She brought it to bear on the battlefield during a highly important fight.  However, even she with her prophetic senses could not have anticipated the horror that happened there. 

 

Zelda was careful to minimize the casualties suffered by her forces.  The enemy forces were able to regenerate and spawn nearly endlessly and many of them were made of undead beings to begin with.  The Hylian Army was not so immune to pain as their opponents and the soldiers were in danger of being truly killed.  This was the possible price of defending the country that every soldier signed on for, but Lady Zelda did not like burying her men.  To keep as many people fighting for her as possible and to keep from filling the stretchers and the medical tents she would place a spell upon a satchel of Deku nuts before every campaign and distribute them among her soldiers.  If a captain retreated, all of the people under his command came with him as he was teleported back to base-camp.  It was up to the captains, themselves, to use the special teleportation-nuts wisely when they knew they were nearing the end of their strength. 

 

This measure saved many of her troops, but did not save all of them.  This was war, after all, and the princess found herself after battles arranging for burials and shipments of remains to home villages as well as stiffly writing letters addressed to families.  Some of her men didn’t have families.  She found these the most painful to deal with as they fell.  Link was like this – a warrior without any living family. 

 

So, she fought with great fury with her new “toy.”  Lady Zelda felt the darkness flow through her as her statue’s hammer forced Gibdos to be airborne before being put out of their misery and she listened to the sick, slick crunch of Bokoblin spines being broken within their red robes of flesh. 

 

There was a move the large humanoid statue was capable of when she concentrated her rage and confidence that reminded her very much of a sport her father had taught her that they played upon manicured fields.  Golf was considered a noble sport.  Zelda had learned to sight the ball as it sailed through the air to assess whether or not it had likely made it to a distant hole.  There were no “hole-in-ones” for Hyrule’s enemies, but she still liked to sight the distance they sailed. 

 

Most of the time, the Dominion Rod’s command provided a good, hard, straightforward pounding and her soldiers knew to get out of the way. 

 

Until one Hylian Captain didn’t. 

 

Zelda, while working the Rod, was distracted by goings on behind her.  Specifically, some small Bokoblin archer had managed to graze her right ear with an arrow aimed for her brain.  The human-shaped statue, which she had affectionately nicknamed “Alphonse” (after a character in a story she knew about alchemy and animated armor) was not immediately recalled and could not turn around quickly or easily.  As she waved the Dominion Rod in her hand, continuing her devastation upon the enemy hordes, she narrowed her eyes in search for the beast that had dared to wound her, she heard a soul-splitting, masculine and very Hylian scream. 

 

She immediately turned, recalling “Alphonse.”  There lay upon the ground a splayed-out heap of dented armor, smashed by a mighty hammer.  The breastplate was dented in like an empty can that had been run over by a wagon wheel.  The helm was broken, its faceplate twisted.  Members of the regiment under the captain’s command came rushing over, including the medics and Lana.  Dark blood seeped into the dry, cracked earth beneath the mess of a man. 

 

A telepathic shout from Proxi told Zelda and everyone else that Link had forced the enemy commander to flee.  Stray enemies teleported away or immediately fled, leaving the Hyrulean Forces to deal with their casualties. 

 

“Captain Tobias Krin,” Zelda whispered, leaning down. 

 

“I am no longer able to read our ally’s life force,” the steel voice of Fi intoned. 

 

Link jogged over, puffing and panting and more than a little bit injured.  Sweat and grime lined his face as well as blood from a cut on his cheek.  He look like he’d been stabbed in the upper-chest, near the shoulder, a wound that had penetrated his chain mail but, because if it, struck only flesh.  Zelda would have ordered him directly to the medics, but he even swatted Lana’s kind hands away when he saw what was left of Krin. 

 

The young man did what Zelda had not been brave enough to do:  He lifted the captain’s faceplate.  What was revealed was horrifying.  Krin’s face was intact, but his eyes were wide and bulging and his mouth was caught in what looked like an agonized scream cut short by the sudden forcing of air from his crushed lungs. 

 

Link closed his eyes and shook his head as he returned the twisted face plate to its original position.  “I’m sorry,” Zelda whispered.  “I am so, so sorry…” 

 

Krin had been one of Link’s chief commanders in his training.  Zelda knew that the designated-Hero had seen him as being almost like an older brother.  Link had a good camaraderie with all of the soldiers, at least those that had been in the fight for a while, but there were a few that were special – friends, even surrogate family to him. 

 

“Link wants to do the rites,” Proxi said.   

 

“Yes…yes….” Zelda said, her voice almost sounding like Fi’s in regards to being distant and like an automaton’s.  “That will be good.” 

 

After she gave the forces orders and the stretcher left with the fallen man, Princess Zelda stared at the fluid-sullied ground.  Impa approached her slowly. 

 

“Princess…

 

“Please, Impa, go assist Link.  That is an order.” 

 

“But…Zelda….”

 

“Go. Do it.  I wish to survey the ground that we have won this day.  Alone.” 

 

“As you wish,” Impa said as she reluctantly left for their base. 

 

Zelda walked the area alone.  The Valley of Seers was a very bleak area.  It wouldn’t have been land that she would have particularly wanted for Hyrule if it had not been for the critical goings on there in the ways of magic and seals.  When she was sure she was alone, she yelled into the purple sky and tossed the Royal Dominion Rod away as far as she could throw it.  After that, she sat upon a set of ruined steps and watched the sunset – which took upon a particularly strange character here. 

 

Her ears perked as she detected a subtle, tell-tale soft trumpet noise behind her.  She further hid her weeping face in that place behind her knees that became sacred to all people who were upset, curling herself up into an even tighter ball than she was in before. 

 

“I am not in the mood to hear a lecture, Midna.” 

 

The little imp, divested of her riding-wolf, floated up next to the Hylian royal. 

 

“I’m not an exposition-fairy,” she groused.  “I just came to see if you were alright.  The entire camp is worried about you.” 

 

“I shall return shortly,” Zelda said, looking up.  “I need some time alone.” 

 

“I found your weapon and put it in one of the bags of holding,” Midna said.

 

“I wish you wouldn’t have,” Zelda replied bitterly.  “I think now that it was a true weapon of darkness.  It is too dangerous for us.” 

 

“What are you talking about?” Midna said, bouncing slightly and opening her arms.  “That thing has won us more battles than I can bother to remember!  Without its power, Link would have never gotten to the boss Shield Moblin.  That wound in his shoulder?  He got that from one of the mooks!  An elite mook, but still… YOU were the one who was clearing the way!” 

 

“I killed one of my own men today,” Zelda hissed.

 

“You didn’t mean to,” Midna offered.  “He should have gotten out of the way.  He’d seen your statues in action before.” 

 

“I got distracted!” Zelda shot.  “I have failed my troops – as their commander and princess, I have failed them!”

 

“Nonsense!” Midna replied, posing herself on her side before her.  “In case you haven’t noticed, we’re in a WAR.  Casualties happen in war.  We’ve already had our share of them. Collateral damage sometimes happens, too.” 

 

“I should have done better,” Zelda said softly.

 

“You can mourn, but don’t beat yourself up over it.”

 

“How can I not?”

 

“If you do, you’ll drive yourself crazy.” 

 

“How do you know?”

 

Midna floated down and actually sat on the steps beside her.  The Twili put her small hand over Zelda’s.  “I know more than you can imagine,” she said.  She sighed.  “Back in my time… My…My Link… When we were trying to set things right and find the fragments of the Fused Shadow… Well, I was just using him at first.  I didn’t care about your world until your ancestors made me care.  Back then, Zant had transformed many of my people into monsters - giant beasts that lived only to follow his orders and to devour.  They had the power to turn whomever they touched into one of them, too – which means some of the monsters we faced were innocent Hyrule citizens.   Anyway, long story short… both my poor, innocent people and yours were creatures that Link and I killed together.  Link didn’t know from the start, but I did.  I made the decision, with full-knowledge, to kill my own men – and women,  Zelda.  I had to destroy some of my own people, people I could not save, in order to save those that I could save.”

 

“Midna…” 

 

“I became a murderer for the sake of my people.”

 

“You’re not a-”

 

“Am I not, now?” Midna said.  “Sometimes, this is what happens in war.  You make difficult decisions.  You make mistakes.”

 

“I suppose so.” 

 

“Do you see any Hylian Ghosts haunting this battlefield? Your captain knew the danger of his occupation.  I’m sure he has at peace.  Link is doing the appropriate mourning rites over him… I guess… I don’t really know how it goes with your people.” 

 

“How does it go with the Twili?”

 

Midna smirked.  “If you fall in battle, we feed you to the wolves. And you don’t even have to be all the way dead!”

 

Zelda gasped.  Midna laughed at her shocked expression.  “I am joking,” she said.  “Are you really that suspicious of the Twilight?” 

 

Zelda let out a soft, whispery laugh, all the while looking at Midna as though she needed permission to laugh.  “How is Link?”

 

“When I left camp?  Not well.  His wound is going to be okay. Lana’s seen to it and he got a full bottle of golden potion in him, but emotion-wise, well… he’s as you should expect.” 

 

Zelda’s eyes were downcast as she hugged her knees again.  “Will he ever forgive me?”

 

“You are his ruler. He has to forgive you,” Midna assured.  “You can command that boy to forgive you.  But… He already has, of his own will.  He’s a soldier, Zelda.  He’s not the wide-eyed farm boy he was when he was my Link.  I talked to him, well, as much as I could with that twittery little fairy conveying what he couldn’t give me in body-language.  I swear, I thought he was too quiet in my lifetime!” 

 

Midna put a hand on Zelda’s shoulder and gave it a gentle squeeze.  “In this life, he came to the game understanding the risks – and he trusts you.”

 

“I suppose I should go back.” Zelda said, standing up.  “The hour is drawing late.  I need to do my part to honor Captain Krin, as well.”

 

“Honor him and all of the fallen by leading us.” Midna replied.  “We need you, your weapons and for you not to betray our trust.  Besides, there are battles ahead and I look forward to meeting more things to tear apart.” 

 

“Thank you, Midna.” 

 

“No problem.”  She conjured up her riding-wolf.  “I’m going on ahead back to camp.  See you later.” 


	6. The Fierce Deity Mask is Not a Diaper!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hyrule's Warriors had different reactions to Young Link when he joined the fight. They also had different reactions to his weapon of choice and where he stored it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _I’m going by the internal canon of Hyrule Warriors rather than the meta Legend of Zelda canon – In Young Link’s character description and the description of the “Time of Myth,” it seems that Warriors-Era Hyrule knows who the Hero of Time is / was._
> 
>  
> 
> _My dearest ArkNorth likes to watch me play Hyrule Warriors and occasionally co-op with me. Ever since we got Young Link on the roster, he’s expressed that he thinks the white Fierce Deity mask hooked to the back of the boy’s belt on his little butt looks like a diaper. Many unfortunate jokes have been since made at poor Young Link’s expense. This fic version of our weirdness barely scratches the surface of our weirdness. Did I actually write this thing? Yes. Yes I did._  
> 

**The Madness of War**

**Sixth War Story:  The Fierce Deity Mask is Not a Diaper!**

 

 

The various commanders of Hyrule’s forces had different reactions to the addition of the boy everyone started calling “Young Link” to their cause.  He’d become trapped in their time period due to his wandering and the rifts in Time caused by events in the war. Going home to his proper era required victory over Cia.  Victory was particularly a paramount concern with him because of his place in history. 

 

Princess Zelda and Impa bowed to him in reverence when they’d’ first met him – for though he was a child, he was the Hero of Time, the very subject of legends and myths.  Lana practically danced and engaged him in all kinds of inane chatter being, to put it bluntly, a star-struck fan. Darunia and Ruto were quite calm about it all – he was “their” Link, a very good friend of theirs, and they had full confidence in him even if he was a half-pint version of the Hero.  Midna reacted to him with the disinterest and disdain she reacted to most people and things with.   Link reacted with bafflement, being that the child was literally his soul in another life.  Proxi expressed surprise that the two did not faint upon encountering one another, nor did they rip a whole in the fabric of existence.  Fi took to calling the child “Young Master.” 

 

Agitha, however, took one look at his apparent age and decided she’d found a new playmate.  They did get along together in camp and in the caravan on the road.  Young Link, as it turned out, like many young boys, was a fan of bugs and that’s pretty much all Agitha needed to forge a tight friendship with anyone. 

 

“Look at ‘em go!” Young Link cheered as he watched a pair of beetles fight on a branch he held.

 

“Why do you need to make them fight?” Agitha asked, innocently holding a jar with a female beetle inside – the incentive for the males on the branch to spar.  “I like to pair up the golden bugs so they can dance and be happy together…” 

 

“These are the boys,” Link explained.  “The stronger one will prove his love to the lady in the jar.  Don’t worry, the loser will just fly away somewhere and probably find another lady.  Or take a nap. Or something.”

 

“Hey, kids… movin’ out real soon. Think about packing up and getting in one of the wagons,” said one of the Hylian Captains as he walked past them. 

 

“So soon?” Agitha pouted. 

 

“Afraid so, little lady,” the armored man said.  “I don’t even think it’s quite right that General Link and Princess Zelda are letting kids into battle anyway.”

 

“We don’t have anywhere else to go,” Young Link reminded the man, “And besides, I am a warrior.  You don’t have to worry about me.”

 

“Quite right,” the captain said before moving onto his in-camp tasks. 

 

“I haven’t seen you fight yet,” Agitha pointed out.  “I don’t want to be seen as a violent person… I’m just here to catch poor homeless bugs and to help Miss Kitty.” 

 

“I don’t think Midna likes you calling her that,” Link said.  He bequeathed the winning beetle to Agitha’s care and set the branch down.  He adjusted his tunic and made sure his weapon of choice was secure in its place clipped to his belt. 

 

“What is that, exactly?” Agitha questioned.  She’d been intrigued by the Fierce Deity Mask as soon as she’d seen it, but hadn’t asked too many questions about it.  Little Link seemed to be protective of it and she was more interested in chasing butterflies than in a boy’s toys.  “It looks like a diaper.” 

 

Young Link shot her a glare before shouting.  “The Fierce Deity Mask is not a diaper!”

 

“It’s all puffy-looking and you keep it on your butt,” Agitha remarked innocently. 

 

“She’s got you there!” Midna laughed.  She’d floated up behind the two.  She pointed to Young Link’s rear end.  “Why do you keep it there, anyway? It looks a LOT like a diaper!”

 

The Hero of Time scowled.  “It’s not a diaper! It houses the soul of a powerful god!”

 

“Oh, show me!” Midna teased. 

 

“I will!  During battle!  Darunia and Ruto have vouched for me to let me fight! My other self believes in both of us!”

 

“Are you going to fight like a poopy-pants?” Agitha said cryptically. 

 

Young Link was tempted to yank the bug-jar out of her hand and break it for that remark, but restrained himself.  It was better not to act too much like a kid if he wanted to have a chance to prove himself worthy of being a warrior. 

 

“It’s really a bad place to store it,” Midna said.  “I believe you. I can feel a lot of dark energy coming from that thing. Whatever it is.”

 

“Well, I can’t put in anywhere else!” Young Link said.  “If I put it on my chest, it gets in the way.  If I put it on my head, it slips down onto my face when I don’t want it to… I can’t handle the power all the time.  He doesn’t _want_ to go into a holding bag.  If I put him on my hip, he slaps around and I’m afraid he’ll jostle off… so this is pretty much the only place on my belt that works!”

 

“You look like a little boy who’s still in diapers!” Midna cackled. 

 

“Oh, shut up!” Young Link retorted.  “At least I’m in my own body that doesn’t look like a deformed cat!” 

 

Midna hissed.  “Maybe I should take your diaper, then?  Let’s see if you’re potty-trained, kiddo!” 

 

The imp swept in and attempted to snatch the mask off Young Link’s posterior.  She recoiled with a sharp “Gaaaah!” sound. 

 

“I told you that he’s dangerous!” Young Link said. 

 

“Just what is it?” Agitha asked again.  “Why is your diaper so smelly?” 

 

Young Link ground his teeth.  He then quickly composed himself.  Agitha he could forgive for insensitive questions, for she was a child and, presumably, unlike him, she hadn’t gone through any periods of adulthood that left her confused about her true age in the end.  Midna was supposed to be one of the adults.  She seemed to like to tease only for the sake of teasing, reveling in annoying innocent young heroes.   

 

“The Fierce Deity Mask,” he explained, “is what remains of a guardian of an entire world, the world of Termina.  It carries the hopes and memories of all of the people of that land. I needed to wear it to save the people in that world from a demon that was bringing down the moon to destroy the planet.  The Fierce Deity is very dangerous, though.  When I wear him, I get big and look kind of like Big Link, but with mean teeth and eyes and I’m… not entirely in control of myself.  You have to have a strong spirit to hold a power like this.” 

 

“Oooh…” Agitha cooed. 

 

“And a strong stomach not to fart too much into your diaper!” Midna laughed.  Young Link pulled a slingshot from his pocket and lobbed a Deku-seed straight between her eyes. 

 

After the Hylian Army moved on, they found their next battleground.  Young Link charged into action.  General Link was fairly protective of him, not just because he was a cute little boy, but because if Young Link were slain in battle, he was sure he’d cease to exist.  The young man saw quickly that the young boy could hold his own.  Once he got his Focus Spirit up and the mask went from his bottom to his face, the unleashing of the Fierce Deity was a truly glorious and frightening sight to behold. 

 

After the battle was won and everyone set to resting, recharging and refueling, the dinner in the camp that night was heavy on beans.  The army cooks were down to tinned beef and gallons of beans that were edging toward their expiration date.  They were set to restock in a village by the upper Zoras’ River.  Young Link ate happily and the next day, battle found the Hylian forces anew.  A rogue group from the monsters they’d faced broke off and regrouped, determined to keep them from their supply-lines.  Seeing as the encampment was attacked outright, everyone fought. 

 

Young Link had his sword and his speedy legs ready even though he’d been awakened (rudely, by Moblin-shouts) with a sour stomach.  Every time he moved, he felt a little warmth in his shorts and heard small, squeaky sounds.  It would have been funny if he was sitting in one of the wagons and had convinced Midna to pull his finger, but right now, it was anything but amusing to him. 

 

The imp had ridden by on one of her shadow-wolves as he was headed toward one part of the field and her to another.  She’d said something about seeing “gassy magic flames” coming from his mask.  Young Link paid it no mind until he’d consumed the contents of a tall magic-jar and grabbed the Fierce Deity Mask off his rump. 

 

The child recoiled.  Wow.  Last night’s beans had been kind to neither of them.  The boy hesitated, the scent of his own gasses pungent inside the mask, a mask that had been hanging in an fortunate location the entire morning. 

 

The mask, itself, had other plans.  It willed itself to attach to his face as it always had when he brought it close to his nose.  This time, instead of embracing the pain and the power of the Fierce Deity’s soul joining with his own and imparting divine strength to his small body, the odor overwhelmed him. 

 

Young Link was heard shouting “No…no…NOOOOOO!” over din of battle. 

 


	7. Saddle Sore

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Link learns from Lana about the lives of Heroes-past and those of other dimensions. He asks her for sorcery that might channel the strength of these Heroes into himself. Neither of them expected him to be completely taken over by the most Classic legendary-swordsman of all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _The typical session at this game for me involves me picking up the Wii U pad at 4 or 5 in the afternoon, intending to play for only “a couple of hours” in waiting for a show to come on or some other event – after which I look at the clock and wonder why it’s Midnight already… Especially when someone else in the household is as entranced as I am by an interesting new nostalgic costume and wants to watch it in action…_
> 
>  
> 
> _In honor of the E3 bonus, the “Classic Tunic” costume that came on the latest update._

**The Madness of War**

**Seventh War Story:  Saddle Sore**

 

 

Link was a consummate equestrian.  He was the most superb horseback warrior any member of Hyrule’s armed forces had ever seen according to the estimate of the captains.  In fact, due to the ravages of Cia’s forces early on, between the slaying of soldiers and the scattering of their steeds, Link was left as Hyrule’s one-man cavalry.  Several of the captains had been trying to remedy that, but not many of the younger troops had been as well-trained in horsemanship as Link was.  He had a natural sense for animals and Epona was his private horse. 

 

She would take no other rider.  Link had been working very hard to try to coax the animal into letting Zelda ride her, in case the princess required swift retreat from the field, but it wasn’t happening.  Some of the captains joked that Link’s way with the ladies extended even to beasts and that the horse was quite jealous. 

 

As a longtime horseman, Link knew many aspects of both equine care and the art of riding.  One thing he knew intimately, from days spent as a child learning to ride at his uncle’s farm, was that horseback riding in shorts, especially on a hot, sweaty day was just begging to get one’s legs rubbed raw.  It could be done and he did his “Pony Express” thing in his old Postman’s Uniform to entertain the troops, but he was careful not to do long, extended riding like that.  Also, he secretly thought that long-outgrown uniform was disrespectful to Epona.  He gave her an extra carrot upon returning to camp from any mail or message run which required both the uniform and her swiftness. 

 

Link found out, however, that his knowledge of the ways of steeds had not extended to every incarnation of his soul.  He, with Proxi, asked Lana about some of the things she’d seen from her unique vantage point at the edge of time and space.  Although shy about it and blushing, she admitted that she’d come to love his soul dearly and had watched his lifetimes closely.  Cia’s problem, she’d said, was that admiration had become lust and a possessive-desire that, at this point, could not be quelled by Link’s turning himself in to her.  He had considered the possibility, for Hyrule’s sake. 

 

“I fear it is too late… she just wants to take over now, to destroy everything and turn the land into a land of darkness. I’m afraid she’d abuse you and the land, if not utterly destroy you both.” 

 

Of course, this was the doing of a more ancient evil.  Lana, however, held a love for Link that meant that she wanted the best for him, whatever he chose to do with his life.    

 

But Lana knew how the story usually went. 

 

The gods-blessed Hero and cursed ladykiller openly wondered about his other selves.  He’d learned a great deal about one of them from Midna.  He actually met one of them when Young Link became a part of their army.  Both had been good with horses in their lifetimes.  Midna’s Link, in fact, knew what it was to be both rider and ridden.  Young Link was anxious to get back to his own time in part because he missed his filly, Epona – the probable ancestor to the one who carried the current Hero around now. 

 

Fi spoke of her Master having a giant bird for a steed.  Flight was quite a bit different than working from a horse. 

 

Lana spoke of other times and timelines in which the Hero’s soul sailed a sentient ship and when he’d guided something called a “train,” which Link had a hard time trying to understand as it was technology he was unfamiliar with.  Sometimes, the Hero just walked and ran, carried by his own legs and nothing more.  As Link heard Lana’s stories of how they had overcome great Evil to set the land right and how they had been to many places and discovered many things, he decided to beg Lana for a favor. 

 

“He wants to know if you can bring him the strength of those other Heroes,” Proxi said.

 

“Oh, my…” Lana began.  “I don’t know…I’m not sure I understand what you’re getting at.” 

 

Link gestured and pleaded with her with his face and hands.  “What he means,” Proxi communicated, “is that you are a great sorceress.  You know his soul well, so, he was wondering if you could channel some of the strengths of his other selves into him somehow.” 

 

“Oh,” Lana said, toeing the ground with her boot where she stood.  “You’re the Hero of this era, Link.  Don’t you think you’re strong enough?  I think that together, we can save this world!”

 

Proxi bobbed up and down by his shoulder.  “He’s hoping the war may be brought to a speedier end if he could take a little of the strength of his previous and other selves.” 

 

Lana took note of his sad eyes.  “I could… I could try,” she sighed. 

 

That’s how Link spent an evening in Lana’s tent, bathed in spectral pages from her book of sorcery.  They shattered around him like broken ice, but did not hurt him as they did enemies on the battlefield.  Lana sent her will into the strange new spell she tried, uttering an arcane form of Hylian that differed from the language they all knew.  She had intended for Link just to take a few memories and the knowledge of skills from various Heroic lives.  She didn’t quite expect what actually happened. 

 

After the last round of ice-shatter and light, Link sat on his rear end, clutching his head – his head full of slightly darker and rather loud hair. 

 

“Where am I?” the boy asked – this time in his own voice, without the use of Proxi.  Proxi flitted about the room, just as surprised as anyone. 

 

“Link!” the fairy cried, “Link, what happened? You’re… different!”

 

“Different?” the boy asked.  “Did you follow me from one of the springs?”  He looked around the tent as he stood up.  “Have I finally found the entrance to the seventh labyrinth? I just had a feeling that the flute would do it.” 

 

“Oh, dear,” Lana gasped.  “I am so sorry, Link!”

 

“Who are you?” the oddly-dressed Link asked.  “Are you the medicine-lady the old man wanted me to see?”

 

“Um, no,” Lana said.  “Oh, dear, I hope this is only temporary…”

 

“What happened?” Proxi demanded. 

 

“I think I…um…” Lana tripped over her own tongue.  “Okay, okay, this should wear off in a manner of days… I hope.”

 

“Hope what?” the newly transformed Link asked.

 

Lana spent the rest of the night explaining to a distressed fairy and a befuddled boy that she had accidentally brought the spirit of one Hero outside time and dimensions in space into the body of their current Hero and that the spirit had made a complete takeover…

 

… down to appearance.  Link’s hair was in a rather impressive sweep and very long in the bangs. It was darker, as were his eyes.  His tunic was simple and the boy liked things breezy, apparently, as he wore no pants. 

 

Lana tried not to admire his toned thighs too much. 

 

The boy from outside of their timeline had many stories to tell.  Much like the Link that they all knew, he was a tough young bastard.  He spoke of enemies that were unknown in this era of Hylian history such as Dairas (“Like Dinoflos” he said) and Lynels (“Men, horses and lions crossed”). When he learned of the great war that was going on in this era, of course he’d wanted to help even though Lana insisted that he shouldn’t, being that he was a temporary guest replacing the Hero that they knew. 

 

But “Longhaired Link” wasn’t just a tough young bastard, he was a cocky young bastard.  When a battle found the Hylian forces, he insisted upon joining the fight. 

 

“Oh, I’ve never used a horse before!” he exclaimed before saddling himself upon Epona.  The horse, to everyone’s surprise, accepted him – well, to everyone’s surprise except for Zelda’s.  She knew that Epona sensed her master’s spirit even with the strange, young, ridiculous form. 

 

Fi was the same way, after all.  The young man was still “Master,” to her. 

 

“Tally-ho!’ the boy cried, setting Epona to a swift gallop.  As he sped past Zelda and almost made her fall, he apologized.  “Oh, excuse me, princess!” 

 

The Moblins and Bokoblins didn’t know what hit them.  The Moblins were too busy staring at the proto-pompadour that was coming their way to put up a real fight. 

 

The Link of the current era was an expert equestrian.  The Link of the unknown era had trouble staying on the horse.  Furthermore, his lack of horseman’s experience quickly earned him some stark and painful knowledge on this fine, hot sweaty day that pants served as any would-be cowboy’s friend. 

 

“Ow! Ow! Ow!” the boy was yelping by the time he and Fi had found the enemy commander.  Volga laughed so hard at what he was faced with as soon as he sighted the hair and the reddened legs that he was easily stabbed into a retreat. 

 

 

 

  After the battle was done and a day was taken to assess the victory, the otherworldly Link vanished from the current Hero’s body to go back to his own world. 

 

Link shook his head, partially remembering bits and pieces of the experience of having been utterly possessed. 

 

He asked one of the captains for a haircut as soon as he got his bearings. 

 

He walked around the camp with an uncomfortable gait. 

 

Pants. Pants were important. 

 


	8. Women of War

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Link is surrounded by lovely female warriors with lovely female bodies. These ladies are his comrades and friends as well as potential romances. However, it is not always a good thing to be a young man surrounded by women.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Warning: This one gets a little gross. I’ve had the thought for a long time regarding how many women Link has as comrades / is surrounded by. Based upon my own experiences and attitudes when nature is screaming for my vital fluids and inspired by such – your mileage may vary._

**The Madness of War**

**Eighth War Story:  Women of War**

 

 

As the battle wore on, Link detected something distinctly off.  His female comrades fought with a special ferocity this day.  Midna was on the field with him and her shadow-wolves flew, tearing through the corpulent bellies of fat Moblins and the small bodies of Bokoblins with reckless abandon.  Impa was always good for cutting things down decisively, but something seemed off about her decisions – she seemed impatient.  Lana was screaming battle cries the likes of which Link had never heard before.  Did she say a curse-word? It wasn’t like the humble sorceress.   

 

At the end of the fighting, Impa shoved him out of the way and went about the business of cutting off the flanks of fallen Moblins.  She barked at him to go skin the leather off an Areaflos-general.  This business was standard, for materials from monsters made good ingredients for spells and gear-craft, but Impa didn’t even nod at him.  She just barked orders.  Speaking of barking, Midna’s steed snarled at him when he approached.  “Lynk” didn’t usually do that.  The flank-wolves, Rod and Serling, had gone back into Midna’s Twilight-pocket. 

 

When organizing the camp and deciding where to send the wagons for everyone to recuperate and to make plans for further invasion of enemy territories, Ruto approached him.

 

“We have to set down by a river! Zora!”

 

Link threw up his hands and shrugged.

 

“As the princess of the Zora people, I demand that we camp by a river! I will take no less!”

 

Link didn’t think too much about it, as Ruto tended to treat him as a servant on a regular basis, despite calling him a “gentleman.”  In fact, the only people she didn’t treat as subservient were Princess Zelda and Darunia, the former being an apparent “equal,” and the latter being a best-buddy. 

 

The Hylian Army found themselves in a river-town named for an ancient Sage, “Saria.”  The local inn and healer’s buildings were opened to them as the wagons rested in the hills.  No one was required to quarter Hyrule’s soldiers, but several families with the space to spare gladly allowed them into their homes, basements and barns.   The people of the village were thankful for the men and women who were set to take back their country and to defend them from the monsters that they’d been cowering under.  Saria was one of the last villages in the area that had escaped being bathed in blood. 

 

Zelda retired quickly to an inn room with Impa beside her.  Link came to see that she was set up alright, worried for her.

 

“Get out!” Impa shouted, stationed in front of the room.  She planted the tip of her giant sword into the wooden flooring for emphasis.

 

Link made faces and gesticulated.  Proxi took up his cause. 

 

“He is worried about the princess,” she said.  “Is Princess Zelda okay?” 

 

“She will be fine!” Impa said, more curtly than usual, which was saying a lot in regards to her. 

 

There was a distinct groan in Zelda’s soft, high voice coming from behind the door that her guardian stood in front of.  Link moved toward it.  He was given a withering red-eyed glare from the Sheikah. 

 

“She has a headache,” Impa said. 

 

Link’s face showed all kinds of concern.

 

“He wants to help!” Proxi said brightly.

 

Impa sheathed her sword and turned around.  “You can help by following orders to get the troops organized and rested.  Lady Zelda does not need or want the presence of a man right now.  I have always been able to take care of her.  Right now her healing is a woman’s work.”  

 

With that, she stepped back through the inn room door and Link and Proxi were treated to the sound of a key-click locking it from the inside.

 

“Well, Link, you tried.  The princess will be alright. Let’s let Impa handle things. We can check back later.”

 

Link nodded, still worried for Zelda and puzzled by Impa’s manner.  This was Impa, but…

 

“Yes, I think she’s bitchier than usual, too,” Proxi agreed.  “No, I won’t let her hear us say that.  I don’t want you to be cut in half!”

 

Link went outside once again only to bump into Lana, who was carrying a basket of laundry toward the river.  As soon as the sorceress saw him, she suddenly blushed and tired to hide the laundry basket with her body.  “Oh! Link!” she said, “What can I do for you?” 

 

“He is highly concerned for Princess Zelda’s health!” Proxi conveyed, “And he is wondering if there is something amiss with Lady Impa.  Are you alright, Lana? You seem a little flustered.”

 

“Well, um, yeah…I…” Lana stumbled over her words, “I was just about to do some washing and… uh…”

 

“Washing?” Proxi asked for Link, who was shrugging, “Didn’t we already do all of the soldiers’ clothes at the last encampment?”

 

“Well, I…um… Link… I gotta go! I’ve got…something to do!”

 

With that, Lana rushed off beyond the bushes near the river’s edge. 

 

“Yes, she is acting strangely,” Proxi agreed with Link’s mind.  “Oh, look, there’s Princess Ruto.” 

 

Ruto was waist-deep in the river.  Link was surprised that she was not swimming in it.  Ruto gasped, as if caught in surprise.  Then she gave Link the most withering death-glare he had ever seen from a fish of any species.

 

“Leave. Now.”

 

“…” 

 

“I don’t care that you stumbled here on accident!  Go!”

 

Link walked to another end of the town.  The barn where Midna was staying was completely off-limits.  The entire area around it was caught in a cloak of twilight-tinged shadow and running-lines of patterned magic.  Midna’s pet shadow-wolves patrolled around it, sniffing and snarling.  If Link did not know any better, (that they were magic-spawn and supposedly “male”), he’d swear they were in heat. 

 

He noted that the lines of Twili-magic in this twilight zone were glowing an angry red…

 

 _“Just what is going on?”_   Link wondered.

 

He saw Young Link and Agitha in the street.  They were talking heatedly about something.

 

“I’m a larva!,” Agitha insisted. “When I grow up, I’m going to become a beautiful butterfly!” 

 

“You’re a Hylian,” Young Link insisted flatly. “You are going to go through puberty.  It’s not a lot of fun. It’s really weird. I know ‘cause I’ve been through it! Well, I kind of woke up to it.  I’m going to have to go through it again! It’s going to be worse for you, though, ‘cause you’re a girl and…”

 

Agitha stamped her feet. “I don’t want to hear it! I’m not going to go through what all the big ladies are going through! I’m an insect! We don’t do that!” 

 

Link had an epiphany.  Oh, no, it wasn’t happening all at once, was it?  All of the adult women in his forces had been acting strangely… weren’t they all supposed to be on their own cycles? 

 

Ruto wasn’t even a mammal…

 

Link noticed Darunia, curled up into a stone-ball on the edge of the camp, resting peacefully and alone.  Perhaps the manly Goron had the right idea.  Then again, the manly Goron might have been even more confused than he was.  Link had never seen any Gorons that were clearly female.  No one seemed to know whether or not the Gorons had Goron-wives.  Many people thought that they grew their offspring on their backs or that they just sprang from the earth randomly. 

 

Link went to the center of town where Fi had set up her resting-pedestal near the town-fountain.

 

“Your speculation is indeed correct, Master,” she said, able to read his mind in a way similar to the way Proxi could communicate with him.  “As for Ruto, she is dropping her roe, a periodic physical cleansing common to females of the Zora people that is similar to that which is experienced by the humanoid races. She requires a large amount of water to ease her burden.”

 

“Can we rest now, Link?” Proxi asked.  “I’m feeling cramps coming on.” 

 

Link groaned. 

 

“Y-yes,” Proxi confessed.  “Me, too.” 

 

Link face-palmed.  He looked to Fi imploringly.

 

“Just as Ruto is aided by a large amount of water, Princess Zelda may be aided by a large amount of chocolate.”

 

Link smiled.  Gears were turning in his mind and he was thinking of a way he could, perhaps, help his fellow warriors. 

 

“I cannot help you, Master,” Fi insisted.  “It is time for me to do my monthly cycle of repairs.  I will now rest.” 

 

Link grunted as Fi returned to sword-form and placed herself in her pedestal.  He shook his head.  Save for their young little “larva” among the commanders that was everyone female down – everyone, including the non-mammal and the non-organic.  Just great. He couldn’t believe this!

 

The young Hero spent the rest of the day thinking about pain-relief and potions, ways to avoid being cut in half or torn by angry wolves and ways to procure large amounts of chocolate. 

 

“Ugh… Link…” Proxi complained, “Why have you dragged me here?” 

 

He’d hiked up into the hills near Saria and found what he was looking for: a Great Fairy shrine. 

 

When he got there, however, entering the cool of its confines, he let out a strangled howl of anguish. 

 

The waters of the shrine were a deep and telling red.       

 

 


End file.
